he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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