i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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