I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
