sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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