i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
