My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
