You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
