Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
