Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I need to align my fucking chakras
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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