I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize