you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
