Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
