I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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