I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Damn victory sex feels great
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
