I can text with my tongue
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
