Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
