Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
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i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
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Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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