Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
