I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
