I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
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no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
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Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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