Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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