Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
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Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
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If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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