I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
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i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
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I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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