Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
