A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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