just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
