so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
