Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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