hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
