I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
