But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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