My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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