he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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