Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
