i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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