A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
