Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Girls should come with a carfax report
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
