Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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