She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
