People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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