All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
