Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
