Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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