You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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