Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
