Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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