i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
