I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
