There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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