either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
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Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
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We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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