I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
