we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
