Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
