i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
