Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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